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STOP to STOP

And so it begins. Can I enter Stop to Stop now?

“A mass was found in your right breast. We have ordered the MRI stat.”

“Yes, the facility already called me. I made the appointment for Friday.”

“Good, I will document it on your chart.”

Now I have three days to think about all of this. The what-ifs.

I have watched my mother and sister die of cancer. I don’t want to put anyone through that, especially my children. And I tell myself, don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t assume the worst. Geez, you are so dramatic!” 

And a thought occurs to me. A weird, peculiar, ominous thought. To die now would mean I would not have to witness my country’s demise under this current administration. I don’t have to witness my children and their children forced into submission or be imprisoned, brutalized, or worse. I won’t have to see the indoctrination of the City on Hill, my fellow citizens, men and women, systematically reeducated to hate and mistrust anyone and everyone except the government and its propaganda. 

The concept that freedom is the power or right to act, speak, and make choices without external restraint, coercion, or hindrance will be rewritten, as our history has been and will continue to be selectively erased. Freedom used to be honored and fought for. It represented independence and self-governance. 

How sad that in my first moments, when my health might be at risk, I consider the health of my country. I consider the benefit of dying before my nation and the world loses its once-upon-a-time ideal of democracy to a handful of greedy, grandiose, narcissistic men. Men who do not have the best interest of their fellow men, and certainly not of women. A handful of men rule over millions of people. And there is an argument that this is our fault. We trusted the system. We believed, right or wrong, that if we voted in our representatives, they would vote and govern righteously. We became complicit as we became consumed in pursuing our individual goals, demands, and responsibilities. We trusted in their promises to hold truth to power. They all, yes, I submit all, have become seduced by money, power, and being a member of the elite boys’ club. They have abused the power we trusted them with. And now we don’t have the means or power to hold them accountable. The three branches of government created to keep elected officials honorable, decent, and virtuous have melded into one block of fool’s gold and a military subject to a Commander in Chief who has become a billionaire, while the rest of the USA wakes up each morning hoping to have enough to sustain our families today, let alone in our retirement.

Will the truth set us free? It can’t when the truth is buried. Our history is being rewritten. The men are not afraid of what history will say about them. It will be whitewashed or completely erased. It only takes a couple of generations for people to not even know about the brutalities we have witnessed or have taken the time to research and learn during our country’s history. 

So yeah, choosing no procedures if procedures are recommended, seems like a viable option. I don’t want to watch my Grands grow up to be conformists, racists, bigots, or white supremacists. I have no power, money, or influence to stop the madness.  

So, Stop to Stop.

Three days later.

The tests that caused tears from physical and emotional pain have been concluded. I am cleared for another year. 

I will not Stop to Stop.