Boundaries, the current trend to justify association and dissociation from a chosen group or individual, needs some boundaries to the boundaries. 

As I understand it, boundaries are limits I, as a person, set up to protect my sanity and safety from what I interpret as unacceptable or disrespectful behavior. This behavior is often associated with family members, friends, and even strangers—line cutters, grocery basket abandoners, road ragers, political opponents, elected officials, thieves, scammers. The list is long. Consider it could also be oneself. 

I jumped on the boundary bandwagon myself, and I believe I know what I want my boundaries to look like, but enforcing them doesn’t feel good. I bought “the book and workbook” to help me understand what boundaries are and my responsibility to establish them and honor them. And I fail every day. 

And when I am out and about and I eavesdrop, my bad, or willingly participate in the boundary discussions, I often want to say, “boundaries are about your self-regulation. It is about protecting your well-being. They are not rules you are allowed to impose on someone else.”

Feeling Blackmailed

I also understand that even though I have clearly defined my boundaries, I am not able to protect or defend them. And I know why. My agency has been challenged. I feel blackmailed. 

My lack of understanding may be the problem. See? I automatically think and believe I am the problem. One of my boundaries is to protect and safeguard myself, and to stop being the scapegoat when things go south—total self-deprecation. What feels even worse are those that allow me to accept responsibility so they don’t have to. Their boundary for self-preservation is well-protected.  Where is my acceptance and respect? Where? Got to work on this! 

I digress.

I have watched and been the victim of others defending their boundaries. I have tried to comply with whatever requests for boundaries some have expressed, but I always feel compromised. It is an either/or situation. “This is my boundary, and if you won’t honor it, then I choose to remove you from my life.” And I am not suggesting that removing someone from your life is never a viable alternative. Let’s not be extremists, deal?

It seems to me that people are so committed to their ideas, their opinions, their idea of “right” that they are willing to forsake everyone who will not agree and comply. 

And I guess that lets everyone know that there is no safe space for compromise or understanding another’s position. It is your way or the highway. Many claim they are open to hearing others’ ideas and thoughts, but it’s likely to be the last time they will listen. You have been purged to protect their safe space. They refuse to be influenced by someone with a different point of view. It is isolating because not everyone can agree on everything, or even most things, and soon, no one is there at all. And I hear people are fine with that. To that I say, bull %$!^.  Cue Barbra S! People, people who need….

Setting Rules

Many people are setting rules to keep their space safe, and eventually, they’ll realize the only person they may need protection from is themselves. It isn’t easy to distance yourself from yourself, but it happens. It’s called justification. 

I don’t have to agree with you. I don’t have to change my behavior for you. I don’t have to adopt your opinions. I don’t have to stop liking mushrooms! I don’t have to choose the restaurants you want. I don’t have to invite people into my life who make me feel uncomfortable or unsafe. I don’t have to meet your expectations. I don’t have to like you!

The problem is, if I care about you, I want to do all of that and more. The problem is I don’t feel any reciprocity. I feel ignored. I feel dismissed, I feel invisible. I feel unheard, misunderstood, and unseen. I get the message that I’m just not worth it. I’m not worth the phone call, the invite, the text, and maybe most importantly, your time. And when I have heart-to-heart, vulnerable talks, others claim the same.

Many hope to create a space where people feel safe, to be vulnerable, and to be truly known for who they are, and still accepted.  I know I seek a safe space to feel that.

Pay Attention

We could enlarge our boundaries. Pay attention to someone else’s needs. Pay attention to someone else’s ambitions. Pay attention to someone else’s loneliness behind their invisible, but well-built wall. Or not. 

It is a lose/lose or win/win choice that many are contemplating everyday.

I am a believer in obeying the law, but one thing I live by is that rules are meant to be broken. 

The current boundary trend could be to protect ourselves by choosing and accepting each other.

It is still a choice we are lawfully allowed to make. No rules are needed to love and be loved.