Everyone told me it wasn’t very good so my expectations were pretty low.
Afterward I internalized most everything. I always do. I am the center of my universe as you are the center of yours. Life.
So, honestly I was feeling pretty blue because I realized that many people in my universe would really be better off if I was not in their universe. Kind of earth shattering.
Reminds me of when Saac and Ben spent the night at Kelly’s once upon a time and she scolded me in the loving way that only Kelly can. “Pam, why doesn’t Saacer know how to cut his own meat? I mean for heavens sake he is 5-years-old!”
Now I often look at my actions and wonder if I am cutting someone’s meat when they so clearly could and should and would if I would just get out of their way.
It is hard to admit that there are many people in the world that would be happy, and dare I admit it, happier if I or you weren’t around… ever again.
Kind of sobering.
That and other self-revelations prompted bathroom crying. Thank goodness for showers that drown tears and the blubbering sound I am prone to make.
I still managed to eat, pray and love. All three swallow self-loathing and sorrow. Kind of like chocolate and Dr. Pepper. Both of which have been voluntarily removed from my daily diet. The sacrifices I make for…me!
Now I need to get out of my own way. That is always most difficult.
Isn’t it funny how hobbling in pain due to my torn meniscus’ in both knees while I schedule picking up my husband at work after he turns in his car, phone and other items because the company has closed their doors permanently just in time for the holiday season, I hear unfamiliar sounds in my 15 year-old car? I would get out to investigate, but my brakes aren’t working all that well.. Why risk it? Just keep driving and pray for green lights.
My car handle isn’t working properly either. I have a fear that I will soon have to crawl out through the back door. Not to great on those above mentioned knees. And exiting through the window is not an option. The automatic window is not so automatic. But I am glad I have a window in the car that prevents the rain and heat from coming in as opposed to my house, which apparently was never properly sealed to prevent that from occurring. Lining the windowsill with my bath towels helps, until I am standing in the shower trying to remember where my towel went.
To conserve resources I decided to sew one of the play costumes. I guess it didn’t help my aged body to seam rip until the wee hours of the morning. And heeding the call to paint by numbers on the high school musical presentation was the right thing to do. It’s the climbing up and down those stage steps that killed me. I don’t mind laying in ice to ease the swelling and the pain. Really, don’t mind at all. Could use a bath towel though.
Sometimes I feel like I am in that tornado in Kansas. I can see my car and house and children flying outside this quiet bubble, but I know I might just as well enjoy the moment because any minute all those things are going to either land on me or I will be pulled into the worm hole myself.
And considering all the other stress induced deadlines, commitments and issues I won’t even begin to complain about I was doing okay. Really I was. Until I read some middle-aged lady, actually she is older than middle-aged, just to be clear. She was trying to be funny about getting old. She is famous and rich and successful. How I pity her.
It was reading her description of what I discovered that very morning in the bathroom mirror san towel, that sent me over the edge tumbling down to the dark side. It doesn’t matter that her description confirms what all women eventually experience in older age. Doesn’t matter at all.
Yes, my cleavage now looks like a peach pit.
Those are my toes curling under that house. I want to kill that little dog! Welcome to oz. There’s no place like home.
Yesterday was National Day on Writing. A teacher somewhere required her students to write a 6-word autobiographical story. I find this fascinating. It is reported that Ernest Hemingway wrote,
Baby shoes. For sale. Never used.
Brilliant.
So in celebration of writing I spent my self-allotted 5 minutes of personal pleasure to construct a 6-word sentence. I suggest you might consider the same challenge. I found it a little disturbing. Kind of self-revelatory. I need to work on being more discreet. I think it is more attractive, but middle age has afforded me the pleasure of ignoring the politically correct and acceptable appropriate behavior. So there. I am learning to impose.
While we were in Zambia, we took every opportunity to talk with the people and ask them what their lives were like. We wanted to know how they celebrated their joys and how they comforted each other in their sorrows.
We also wanted to know what their dreams were. They weren’t so different than our dreams. The difference is ours have a greater chance of coming true.
Please click to watch and listen to their hopes and dreams. Sometimes hearing others tell of their dreams helps us realize how possible ours are.
After spraining my ankle this morning trying to get some exercise I ran across this. If there is one thing I wish I could do well it would be dancing. It just makes me happy to do it, to watch it, to imagine it. Hope you enjoy it. If you don’t….bah hum bug you poor soul.
As the world seems to be spinning out of control…. As if we could ever control the earths spinning…. I have pondered a great deal about what is causing the chaos.
I decided to do some research. I began with the seven sins. All of which, at one point or another, I concluded was the straw that broke the proverbial back. I put them in alpha order.
Envy – to desire others traits, status, abilities or situation.
Gluttony – To have and consume more than you need.
Greed – the desire for material wealth or gain
Lust – inordinate craving of bodily pleasures.
Pride – Excessive belief in one’s own abilities.
Sloth – to avoid work.
Wrath – anger that spurns love and opt for fury.
Now it isn’t all bad. There is also a list of seven virtues too. That old ying yang thing ya know!
Kindness – Empathy and trust without prejudice or resentment
Temperance – moderation between self-interest versus public interest.
Charity – love
Chastity – Moral wholesomeness and purity of thought
Humility – Ability to confront fear and acknowledge personal weaknesses.
Diligence – Decisive work ethic
Patience – resolving conflicts and injustice peacefully
I like how Mahatma Gandhi listed the sins.
Worship without Sacrifice
Science without Humanity
Commerce without Morality
Knowledge without Character
Pleasure without Conscience
Politics without Principle
Wealth without Work
I believe we can find evidence within ourselves of each of those sins and each of those virtues. That might require humility. Ah, oh.
I read a book recently that suggested the following. “The health of the planet is affected by the health of every individual on it. As long as even two souls are locked in conflict, the whole of the world is contaminated by it” Elizabeth Gilbert
I thought about that and am still thinking about it.
Is it possible that the conflict that rages in each individual is contributing to the conflicts swirling around all of usl? And if that is possible, and I believe it is more than possible but real, how much more are the conflicts we have with others polluting our planet with more of those deadly sins.
Even those little moments, like when you realize someone has broken into your Tahoe and stolen your brand new iphone. If one were to harbor ill feelings for such a greedy, slothful, envious, gluttonous, lustful, proud and angry individual wouldn’t one be guilty of those same sins?
Now your thinking… but you can’t just let people take advantage of you! (please reread the virtue list)
I once had a teacher who asked if every time our babies cried for “attention” what would happen if we gave it to them? If every time we came home from work to hear the ramblings of teen-agers and we listened to them? If every time our spouse sought peaceful silence we were actually quiet what would be the result? Initially, the students said you would have a society of spoiled babies, indulgent teen-agers and non- communicative relationships. But after patient teaching and careful consideration this teacher opened our minds to the idea that love will never spoil, but only empower the individual.
So whatever your conflict, interior or exterior, let it go. Release it and discover the planet is spinning with or without you, but it would be so much nicer if we all were… nicer.
I must admit that this trip felt a little odd. With only Ciera and I trotting around the west coast without her siblings or other parental in toe sometimes I felt like a naked emperor.
With just two of us we managed to eat too much and find many things to entertain us.
What quickly became apparent is the desire of this 15-year-old was the destination-not the journey.
I remember feeling that way once upon a time. My parents would take us to all sorts of historical monuments or natural wonders and all I ever wanted to do was get to where we were going so I could play and swim and eat. Good to know we are alike in many ways.
Ciera did take her nature pics!
For instance, I often get frustrated and storm around when I am unable to comprehend a task or master software. On this trip Ciera was in charge of the GPS and getting us to our destination. It was like watching a mirror as she would angrily throw the phone down only to pick it up a few minutes later and begin again trying tp figure out how to work it so we could figure out where the heck we were.
We managed to get lost most everyday and it was okay because sometimes we discovered places we had not known about and sometimes we discovered more about each other. I hope someday she will take her daughter or son on a road trip and maybe stop along the way to enjoy a sunset or the bright stars in the midnight sky or a new born baby deer following it’s mother up the mountain side. If she gets lucky she will learn to enjoy the journey.
I often ponder about the poisonous and insidious diatribe that is so prevalent in our society today. Every group has an agenda and assisted by statistics and data are able to influence and recruit the masses to jump on any bandwagon.
But not you, right? Certainly not me. We are the exception. We are the individual. That is what I would like to believe, but statistics and science unfortunately prove otherwise.
There exists at our fingertips a hoard of information that can determine the behavior of most any one. Given the dynamics, the variables, the components, your behavior and mine can be predicted pretty accurately and frankly is.
Our very nature is to be a member of a herd, a family, a group. Part of being with the herd is to protect the individual. The closer you are to the center the more likely you will not be lured away and devoured by predators. But there are costs as well as benefits for our societal connection. One of which is the risk of stampede. Being overrun with the groups core philosophy leaves few options for the individuality factor and ones own personal thoughts and opinions.
Add to our human herd nature an articulate and dynamic spokesperson and the powers that be will have the fringe herd members distracted by survival within the group while the inner circle remains protected. Before the dust settles the herd is blindly led to where a few may benefit at the expense of the rest.
We, as individuals, have access to the same information. We can use it to determine what “they” will do. Or maybe they have determined that is what is happening already. Careful, we may be led off a cliff.
Write.
Splatter the page with covert words.
Suffocating between the sheets.
Confused, contrived and denied
Expire in heartless stead.
Write.
Until what is alleged is understood.
What is sensed suffereth long.
The lines and pauses and pages persevere.
Suppressed lips liberate censored wrongs.
Write.
Others will own and mirror what they will.
Embracing the pain they fraught.
The words suspend in mid sentence still
The tacit sound of silence wants not.
I have many moments where I think, “what is the point”? It doesn’t matter what project I am working on, some days I wonder why I ever thought “it” was important or worth my time and energy.
Today I finished a book called THE HELP. As I came closer and closer to the end of the book I became more and more anxious because I knew it was going to end. The characters I had discovered and learned to love, or not love so much, would soon be a memory of my imagination.
However, the lessons those characters learned and by extension, I learned, are still rolling around in my head and in my heart. Ideas and thoughts and feelings have reminded me of values and ideals I value and cherish and want to embody.
How could reading or writing or painting or composing ever be a waste of time? How could I ever think creating does not have a point.
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Pamela Jo Bowman.
Welcome!
Make yourself comfortable. Join in the dialogue and remember, “Believe in your dreams and they may come true; BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and they will come true.”
Ciera did take her nature pics!
