Pamela Jo Bowman

“We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.” Jonathan Swift

Now this is what I call a fun way to start off the great month of May.

Fast Tube by Casper

This week a friend visited. We spent time in conversation. That is what we do.
We talked.
We shared the good things that were happening and celebrated each others accomplishments and momentous moments.
We laughed.
She complained some about her life and I suppose I complained some about mine.
We listened.
Then she said to me.
“Pam, we are living the life we want or it would look different. This is what we asked for. It might not look like what we imagined, but this is what we want or we would change it up.”
I argued. Choices, consequences, responsibilities…
She opined. “Some people believe it is noble to give up their dreams, to sacrifice their lives for others. They become martyrs and they think that makes them better than everyone else. It doesn’t. It just makes them martyrs.
“Do you think that is what I am?”
“I don’t know. I believe most of us are that way. I know I am. Only you know what motivates you. The question is, are you brave enough to see your truth, whatever that may be and if you don’t like it, are you willing to change?”

Sometimes I am glad she lives far away.

Illusion
You have what you want.
You hold what you have.
Illuminated sky castles.
And at night,
at night.
The sound in your head hums
And your heart
skips and trips and
Lies in the cascade of
another moon waxing or waning.
Waiting
upon a chance of possible.
Force crafts change that
is not yours to hold.
You do have what you want,
clasped securely in the known
at every filtered flutter of sunrise.
Hold the loitering thoughts hostage
in the submerged space of fear,
buried deep In the recesses of yesteryears.
Not forgotten, never forgotten.
Your forsaken parts.

I have decided to self-study screen writing. I am reading many books on the subject because I am a tad stubborn. When it comes to others getting in my face and telling me how to do things I get my hair in the air and I take it personally.

Who died and put them in charge of knowing all things? Sometimes the discussion turns from gaining knowledge to ‘I can prove you wrong’. Such a waste of energy and time, but massages my pride somehow. Deflecting or projecting seems to distract and I can slither away none the wiser.

So reading allows me to learn and not feel isolated by the teacher pointing their sausage fingers at my evaporating mind while slowly grasping or not grasping the concept, any concept.

It is the feeling or knowledge that the writer slowly, and I believe slyly, introduces me to an idea or thought in a way that makes it mine. I smile smugly and for a moment I think, I am brilliant. This thought or feeling or idea is so clever, original and perfect.

Eventually, I stand and immediately stub my toe. EVERYTIME! Just a little reminder that whoever did die did not put me in charge and never will.

So I get it. Every chapter reinforces the message.

A screenplay is a story told with pictures.

I can do that, because I can read and learn and then do while limping ever so happily along.

We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise
And then, if we are true to plan
Our statures touch the skies.
Emily Dickinson

I cannot speak for all writers, but for me it is imperative to write everyday. Sometimes that means leaving a note on the kitchen to tell my world I am out to lunch.

Sometimes it means sitting in front of my computer and asking myself the hard questions.

What am I thinking?

What am I feeling?

More times than not I go to my kitchen and write the note.

Eventually I calm my mind and really address my thoughts and feelings. Usually it isn’t a very comfortable space. It is difficult to avoid myself because, obviously, I am always hanging around.

What could be so terrible with my thoughts and feelings? I don’t know. That they are mine?

My National Geographic cover this month headlines that the world is approaching 7 billion people. For some reason that doesn’t seem like all that much. I think because with budgets, terabytes, cups of ocean water, well billions seem pretty standard.

I don’t think the Earth agrees. So I started to think about how the earth might not be liking all this weight that 7 billion people are carrying on its surface. Might the earth be saying, enough people, time for some balance? So, here’s an earthquake which will trigger a tsunami, and a volcano, and all these people are messing with the ecosystem, it’s just going to cause weather issues which causes hurricanes, tornados and floods. Something a kin to spring cleansing.

Then I begin to think about how even the very nature of man contributes to the earths cleansing. Our nature to protect our own, provide for our own. Our own. It is so inclusive. The fight for “our” space has managed to diminish the population quite adequately for….ever.

And as a result we build buildings to survive the earthquakes. We build levies to withstand the floodwaters. We build shelters for bombs. We build and fortify and plan for the inevitable cleansing. Such a false sense of security as we ride the elevator to the stars.

7 billion people.

Lunch anyone?

Sometimes being cocky just doesn’t pay off.

Fast Tube by Casper

This year I have taken the opportunity to research out historical events that relate to freedom, equality and what nations and people have done and continue to do in the name of progress and civility.

There are times where I have had to stop reading and walk away for days and weeks and even months because of the events documented in journals, reports and the memories of those who survived being the impediments of civilized society.

Sometimes it is difficult with these haunting images to find pleasure and even purpose in this life or in relationships that are fragile and ephemeral. History, written and oral, showcase the character of humans. I introspect on my own principals and code of conduct and am fearful with how weak I might be in similar situations and circumstances.

I have come to appreciate the bliss in ignorance.

I also have come to understand better in opportunity. This year is winding down and as we burden ourselves again with the idea and hope and dreams of new beginnings on January 1st, what is true is that new beginnings exist with every moment and with every breath.

The sun continues to provide the energy we all need to thrive. We wake and breathe and live near sighted in what is possible. Some in the most dismal situations find and embrace any opportunity. And if none are present they pursue the whirlwinds and distant mirages until they capture and grasp all they imagine and work until it is real and tangible.

I often experience paralysis at the abundance of opportunities and choices. What if I choose poorly? And the opportunity slips away and it’s absence is, at times, a welcome relief.

Some stand on the shore drowning in apathy and indifference. Excuses abound and ‘yea but’s’ sputter forth floating away on the wind. Age fades youth’s innocence and memory of what could have been and what should have been.

We all have but one life and it is our own to own and live and error and forgive and learn and discover the opportunity that is uniquely ours to imagine, pursue and create.

And maybe in the success of our pursuits the inhuman, unspeakable, unforgettable atrocities would diminish as the creative goodness and genius within all of us is exposed, nurtured and embraced.

Breathe this moment. It is yours for the taking. It is mine.

I watched it finally. In bed. Alone.

Everyone told me it wasn’t very good so my expectations were pretty low.

Afterward I internalized most everything. I always do. I am the center of my universe as you are the center of yours. Life.

So, honestly I was feeling pretty blue because I realized that many people in my universe would really be better off if I was not in their universe. Kind of earth shattering.

Reminds me of when Saac and Ben spent the night at Kelly’s once upon a time and she scolded me in the loving way that only Kelly can. “Pam, why doesn’t Saacer know how to cut his own meat? I mean for heavens sake he is 5-years-old!”

Now I often look at my actions and wonder if I am cutting someone’s meat when they so clearly could and should and would if I would just get out of their way.

It is hard to admit that there are many people in the world that would be happy, and dare I admit it, happier if I or you weren’t around… ever again.

Kind of sobering.

That and other self-revelations prompted bathroom crying. Thank goodness for showers that drown tears and the blubbering sound I am prone to make.

I still managed to eat, pray and love. All three swallow self-loathing and sorrow. Kind of like chocolate and Dr. Pepper. Both of which have been voluntarily removed from my daily diet. The sacrifices I make for…me!

Now I need to get out of my own way. That is always most difficult.

Good thing I have low expectations.