Pamela Jo Bowman

My son was hurt. Seriously.

After the ambulance ride, after the air-vac, after the surgery, after the discovery of his broken back, after his brace fitting, before he recouped In our home, before getting the first of many bills and just as reality of this life altering experience began to penetrate our daily moments, she called.

A friend who loves my son, who helped raise him, who values him. She called to ask about him. And she called to ask about me.

And I cried.

(He is recovering remarkably well)

I haven’t stopped blogging.
I write.
I read.
I delete.
Its therapeutic.

I can paraphrase.
Yea…. Deleted again.
I am thinking of creating a blog where no one knows it’s me and I can say whatever I want and not feel bad or wrong or worried about being bad or wrong or worried.

Would you recognize me still?

A conversation

- “Do you want to go? Really?”
- “No. I feel like I need to.”
- “Maybe you could start doing what you really want to do.”
- “If everyone did what they wanted to do, nothing would ever get done.”

Really.
I think Thomas Edison would disagree.

“I never did a days work in my life. It was all fun.” Thomas Edison

Ohhhh, the irony.

Are there pictures of me canoeing 4 miles up river while herding 45 teen-agers in 22 canoes? Nope. But I have sun burned knees and a very shiny red nose! Use your imagination.

Are there pictures of all of us hauling said canoes half a mile up a steep mountain on our shoulders while walking a mountain trail for the width of one? Nope! But again my red knees buckled and my shoulders screamed and my arms don’t flap as much in the wind! (Trying to find the positive side!)

Are there pictures of hiking five miles (after unloading the canoes up said mountain!) to camp and arriving third to last just prior to the sun setting? The heck with herding those youthful souls! They bounced toward camp like Tigger!. I wanted to cry, but could not risk wasting WATER.

I did not feel any sense of accomplishment in this feat. I did not gain a higher respect for finishing the race. I did not gain more confidence in overcoming these obstacles. I went to bed with Motrin PM, hot chocolate and a dirty face. So glad Chris insisted on a mattress for my Tahoe! There was never a more comfortable bed then the one I crawled into that night.

The next day began with preparing breakfast then more activities, preparing lunch, then more activities, serving dinner with little enthusiasm, because I knew I had another 5 hours of youthful exuberance and activities before I could swallow that Motrin PM with my cocoa.

The next morning more activities, breakfast, breaking camp and a long drive home. My passengers were laughing telling me about all their fun adventures. They retold all the funny and tender moments they experienced and I wondered where I had been to miss those memories. I stopped for a DR and M&M’s because I was fading fast. Forgot about the driving part home all exhausted, stinky and anxious knowing in a few short hours we were hosting Ciera’s 16th birthday party. Tomorrow I will get to sleep. Tomorrow. I dream of tomorrow.

When did I get so old?

( I will post pictures if anyone took any…. maybe.)

Starting the drive to work a tad late and catching every red light on Val Vista started to define my day. At Main Street I was so close to getting the green! Heading toward University the Eeyore in me started to surface. “I can tell what kind of day this is going to be!”

I decided to be Tigger instead. I sped up to 55 and risked a ticket to get through the green…ok yellow light. I smiled! Clear sailing to the 202! Put on some good tunes and changed my day and my attitude.

Of course I could have slowed down and had the same result without the stress of flashing red lights. Could have enjoyed the morning quiet. Could have stopped for some McDonald cinnamon rolls. But didn’t. Sometimes you just got to speed just because you can!

Made my day a green light day.

Roo: What’s the matter, Tigger?
Tigger: Phew. Oh, thank goodness. I was just getting a little seasick from…
[gulps]
Tigger: seeing too much.

I have created a test. Take it or not. It’s all up to you.

1. After emptying your grocery cart in the store parking lot do you
a. Take it back inside the store so the bag boy won’t have to bother with doing his job.
b. Leave it in front of your vehicle so that the next patron can park and ram in to it or force his wife to get out of their car to move it for him because all the other parking places are at least five slots down right next to the grocery cart stall and that would be too far to walk
c. Leave it next to your vehicle where you emptied it because it will be so convenient for the next patron to locate it after opening and dinging their door
d. Locate the parking area for empty grocery carts and walk it to said location.

2. While driving at night a vehicle comes towards you with bright lights do you
a. Yell real loud because even if the other driver can’t hear you, the people in the car with you can and it’s always fun to make everyone scared they are going to die because you are blinded by the light
b. Flash your lights reminding the other vehicle to dim theirs
c. Put on your high beams to give them a taste of their own medicine
d. You never drive at night because you don’t want to be in anyone’s way

3. While standing in a check out line with multiple patrons in front of you and behind you, a new cashier opens up another register do you
a. Tell the person in front of you to go to the newly open register and follow them in an orderly fashion
b. Wait patiently until everyone else in the store has paid for their groceries then ask if it’s your turn
c. Run over to the newly opened register cutting off any elderly patrons who will be submitting store and manufacture coupons
d. Glare at the customers behind you conveying the real danger to their very lives if even the thought crosses their mind of cutting in front of you

4. When eating dinner out at a restaurant do you
a. Eat your food even if it isn’t what you ordered because you don’t want to inconvenience the server, chef or the patrons waiting for your table.
b. Explain calmly to your server that there is a problem with your order and that you want to know what options are available to remedy the situation.
c. Demean and belittle the server until the manager arrives reminding you that they have the right to refuse service to anyone and they refuse to serve a rude and irrational customer where upon you tell them that you were educated at the best and most elite schools in the nation and you can say whatever you want, whenever you want and if you don’t like it then stop the train!
d. Always find something to complain about and if you can’t then throw some dirt in your water or drag out that fly you carry around in your wallet. That will insure that they will not charge you for what you ordered or will bring you a free dessert

5. While backing up out of your driveway do you
a. Check to see if other cars are coming both ways, wait until they pass, then slowly back up
b. Back up regardless of any cross traffic knowing they will stop because your vehicle is bigger and this is your street and they need to get out of your way because you are in a hurry and will be late to your breakfast meeting where you will write off the expense on this weeks report for tax purposes that pay for the road that you are trying to drive on.
c. Forget about backing up. You’d just have to back back in.
d. use the circular driveway to avoid the hassle all together.

6. While eating dinner with your family do you
a. Wait until everyone has their food before you begin eating, paying attention to “please pass” requests
b. engage your free hand in the important task of texting thus preventing you from offering assistance with passing the food, condiments or (gasp) engaging in conversation with those present at the table where you sit eating a meal someone has provided for you
c. Look the other way so as to avoid having to exert yourself in passing items as heavy as salt and pepper shakers because you are convinced someone else will eventually do such menial labor
d. Don’t take any food until everyone has been served to make sure everyone else eats all they want. Your on a diet anyway

7. When you are at a party do you
a. Make sure you are acknowledged by the host and that your presence has been duly noted…by everyone
b. Make an effort to socialize and mingle with everyone even if you don’t know them.
c. Leave early slipping out the door with food in your pocket without so much as a thank you to the host because you want to get to the cool party with the cool people wearing the cool clothes and taking posed pictures to prove it.
d. Hide in the kitchen offering to empty the garbage

8. While driving down the road a car suddenly cuts in front of you do you
a. Slow down and carefully observe them from a safe distance to insure their vehicle is functioning properly and they are not suffering from a heart attack
b. Pass them, cut them off then flip them off for good measure
c. Shrug it off knowing everyone gets in a blind spot occasionally
d. Berate yourself for getting in his way

9. When you enter a freeway do you
a. Speed past everyone while driving along the shoulder/ off ramp lane because the cars in the slow lane are backed up and finally cut in at the last minute because you are special like that
b. Merge immediately into the slow lane and blend with traffic
c. Pull off to the side of the road and wait until traffic lightens up so you won’t be in anyone’s way
d. Quickly scoot over to the HOV lane placing your dummy body in the back seat into the passenger seat. Now you have someone to talk to who really knows how to listen and will appreciate all you have to say.

10. While moving slowly with traffic at rush hour do you
a. have a cushion of space in front of you that allows traffic to merge into your lane
b. Ride the next cars bumper thus preventing other vehicles to merge into your lane
c. Scoot over into the shoulder area to prevent speeding mergers to cut in at the last minute
d. Exit the freeway because you don’t want to get in anyones way.

Food for thought while your driving down the road of life.

June 11th, 2011.
Saac is marrying the girl.
Mark your calendars.
Come party with us.
I want to see your face!
Plus I got a new dress!
That’s the important part.

Stress: The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it….

Or doesn’t.

I understand the paralyzed state. Been there a few times…this year. You know when there are so many things that NEED to be done you don’t do anything at all.

I am beyond that. I wake up every morning reminding myself that I can only do my best and that will have to be enough. I chase my tail for 15 hours.

The truth is that all the things I have been asked to do, committed to do, or am expected to do have nothing to do with what I LOVE to do, want to do and in the fiber of me, need to do to make this face smile and heart happy.

I have become irritable, sharp, sarcastic (more so then usual. Scary I know), and definitely a tad rude and insensitive.

There are others in this world who don’t deserve my verbal lashing, but lashing they get.

“Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down.” Natalie Goldberg

I like it, but it aint’ going to happen.

What will happen is that the voices in my head remind me of all the tragic events in people lives and that I should stop whining and be grateful that I have all that I have.

Please, someone choke the living daylights out of me. I desperately deserve it!

Isaac is getting married…..soon….very soon. He told me last week he thinks it will be on the 31st…. of MAY! (please note the word thinks!!!!)
CHANGE OF DATE! CHANGE OF DATE! CHANGE OF DATE. UNKNOWN AT THIS TIME. WILL UPDATE WHEN DATE IS KNOWN.

Her name is Rachel. And he loves her.

When I was choosing names for my sons, I chose biblical names. I liked them. They were names that symbolized strength and character. So now Isaac is marrying Rachel.

As most of you know Rachel was the woman that Jacob desperately wanted to marry. In fact he actually thought he was marrying her, but under the veil was her older sister Leah.

It took seven years before Rachel became his bride.

Isaac feels like he has had to wait that long for his Rachel. So he is tired of waiting and he wants to marry the woman of his dreams., NOW. Rachel is a woman who is spiritually mature, who knows who she is and what she wants and fortunately who she wants is Isaac. It is fun listening to them laugh and tease each other. They sometimes bicker, but they do so with the confidence that at the end of the moment it will be all right. They will be all right. Sometimes learning how to compromise can be difficult, but it can also be enlightening. You learn about the other person, but you also learn about yourself.

I hope his friends and family are able to come celebrate this special time with him. But what is true is that this is their day. It is not about the wedding, but about a marriage. It is about the day after and every day after that. It is about making moments together to treasure, remember and cherish.

He has the strength, courage and confidence to know that this is what he wants. It is good to be reminded by such commitment and devotion that, being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu

May 31st can’t come soon enough.

I have been researching and writing a horror screenplay. The theme is about family. About what it means to be your brother’s keeper. It asks the question to the exclusive family society what is our responsibility toward one another. Does it ever end?

And if serious mistakes are made, and they always are, do our family loyalties override our ability to see what is true or do we justify the behavior with shared life experiences only privy to the family?

Sometimes family members behavior is so foreign we wonder if we really know anyone as well as we thought. Which should naturally lead to the thought, does anyone really knows us.

It is fun and enjoyable to tease one another about the qualities and quirks that have clearly been passed down through generations, but some issues or personalities are never discussed. We deny any ownership of those unacceptable pesky little traits.

When we extend the familial loyalties to our friendships we often find deep satisfaction in discovering a friend to share and confide in until the dark day when their actions and expressions are contrary to the impression they diligently planted in your heart. When the truth is hitting us over the head, do we walk away, grab a bat or draw a line that breaks the deal?

But I digress or do I?. This is about a screenplay. The logline is, a brilliant and impulsive detective persuades her introverted brother to leave their small town and the haunting reminders of their childhood tragedy behind and enjoy big city anonymity only to be exposed as the prime suspect in her serial killer investigation.

Kind of different from the historical genre I am typically drawn to. I have been told this is more marketable. I don’t know if that is true, but I am giving it a shot in an effort to be my own keeper.